Turning a New Leaf

Dirty Faces and Pretty Places

2011-08-29T22:09:00.000-06:00

The family went to Crescent Lake this last weekend. It was the perfect opportunity to play with my new camera. I was really quite impressed with myself, even though some of the pictures turned out as well as they did completely by accident. But hey, it was me behind the camera, so I'll take full credit for it. Can you blame me? Here are my favorites

My nieces and nephew are the cutest ever! I really can't get over it. Within minutes Isaac (4) was filthy. Wherever he went, a cloud of dust surrounded him, like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Carolyn is hilarious, and not just the cutest, but the smartest two year old EVER. I'm not exaggerating. She is fully potty trained. Abbie is 6 and is super duper excited for school to start. I've never in my life met a child that counts down until the first day of school, but Abbie does. She got really good at casting her line after Grandpa (my dad) taught her how to fish. They bring so much JOY into my life.

My absolute favorite quotes from this weekend are as follows :

Out of the mouth of Carolyn(2) (or rather, INTO her mouth)
"I ate dirt"

Out of the mouth of Isaac (4), to his dad (my brother Jeromy)
"Youuu're so cuuute"

The Boy on a Mission

2011-08-29T21:32:00.000-06:00

My little brother has gone on his two year Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He will be in Provo for 3 weeks learning Spanish and then he will go to Peru for 2 years. I am so proud of him. He is such a special kid. I don't mean a "stop eating the paste" kind of special. I mean that he is, well, I'm not really sure I can put it in to words, but he is pretty stellar. I love my brother. I will miss him. He has left a boy and will come back a man. It's really quite remarkable what two years, in a foreign country, dedicating your life to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, does to a person. It's quite inspiring if you ask me.

Hope

2011-08-21T01:05:00.000-06:00

Cast Away is such an inspiring movie. It had been forever since I last watched that movie from start to finish. I am sure the first time I watched it the thoughts that crossed my mind tonight weren't even close to coming to mind. Now, just in case you've never seen it, it's about a man who's FedEx plane goes down in the middle of the ocean. He is the sole survivor and gets washed up on shore on a tiny, totally remote island somewhere in the Pacific. He realizes he is totally alone. He survives by sheer will power, but, in my opinion, he is saved by Hope. He really has no reason to Hope, but he Hopes in spite of it all. He Hopes that he has a reason to live. He learns how to build a fire. He learns how to get food and water. There is such power in the will to live. There is power in hope. My next though, I'm sure was never close to the mind of those that created the movie, or maybe they were thinking similarly... but the way the Main Character survives was a testament to me of the mindfulness of our Heavenly Father. After four years on the island, half of a port-a-potty washed up on his tiny island that made it possible for him to have a sail, so he could brave the ocean, hoping to find some ship. Out on the ocean, he came upon a Whale that accompanied him until a freighter ship came across and was able to take him back home. We are all being watched after. No matter what our circumstances, we can always Hope for a better tomorrow. We can always Hope because we know that there is a loving Heavenly Father sending us help in all sorts of ways and forms. No matter what we are waiting for, there is always Hope of attaining what we most desire. Hope is powerful.

2011-07-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

So remember how I wrote a little teaser, here are the details about what is going on in my life....
You may, or may not know that I have moved home to dear old Springfield Oregon. I moved back home in late April because of a change in employment. I am now working for Hoodoo Recreation in their main office in Coburg Oregon, which is a small town about 10 minutes away from where I live. I am the Administrative Assistant so I do everything from answer phones to excel spreadsheets. I'm a catch-all, which is the life of an Admin. I can't say it's my dream job, but It'll have to do for now. (My dream job, in case you were wondering, is to be a Mom). Anyhow, when I first got home I had a little decision to make as to where, exactly, I would attend church. I could go with my Parents to the "Family"/"Home" ward (in Mormon-dom we call a specific congregation a "Ward"), or I could go to the Singles Branch (A smaller version of a Ward especially for those like me... Single and looking to find a mate). Both had it's charms. The "Home" ward has my family and people that already know me. The Singles Branch has Singles in it, but with quite a few people who do not know me. Now, if you are my friend my shy side is a completely foreign thing to you, but if we are not friends you probably know that side of me quite well. I am often intimidated by the mere fact that I don't know you. Granted, this is very irrational, being afraid of people you don't know, but that's the shy part. So, relying on my feelings and where I thought it would be best for me to go, I decided on the Singles Branch. Now, this Branch meets with 2 other Singles congregations, one is a branch from Santa Clara and the other is a Ward from Eugene. So, we all meet together for the first hour (Sacrament Meeting), and for the second hour (Sunday School), and then the third hour we split into a meeting for the Women and a meeting for the Men (Relief Society and Priesthood Meetings respectively and 2 sundays a month we meet with our individual Ward/Branch, the rest is combined ... Did you follow that?). So my first Sunday attending I was a little surprised at the number of people I had never seen before in my life. I really shouldn't have been surprised since I had been gone for so long, but I was nonetheless. Since there were so many strangers, I had a difficult time finding a niche to insert myself in. I had no wing-man and I didn't have a whole lot of social confidence. So I would mostly keep to myself and do a lot of people watching. Of the few people I did recognize, they were mostly just acquaintances, so I had to get brave. Weeks later, I still wasn't being brave, and I found myself a little frustrated. I knew I needed a kick in the pants to get going and make some friends as this move felt permanent. Don't get me wrong, spending my evenings with my family has been my favorite part of being home. I was very homesick before I came back. But I knew I needed a social life. So I racked my brain, and I prayed, and I prayed, and I pondered, and I stewed, but I couldn't get myself to get brave. Then one day my Branch President asked me to meet with him, and I can't say I was shocked when he asked me to accept a position as my Branch Relief Society President. (In case you forgot, the Relief Society is the Women's organization in my church. Each Ward or Branch has a Relief Society organization that meets together every Sunday). Before and during my move home my Mom and Grandma both felt that if I moved home I would become the Relief Society President. That "warning", however scary it sounded, surprisingly didn't stop me from moving home. I have a strong desire to do the will of my Heavenly Father. I believe that he inspires my Branch President. I know that my Branch President holds the Priesthood of God. So, when President Jones asked me if I would accept the position, I said "Yes". This is quite a large responsibility, and one that I can only meet with the help of my Heavenly Father, and the help of two other women that will serve as my "Counselors". I feel privileged and very humbled. I will have a "stewardship" over about 30 women in Springfield. I want to be their friend. I want them to trust me. I want our Relief Society to be Unified in one cause. I know that if I rely on my Father in Heaven for direction that I will be able to lead them in correct paths and that we can all become good friends. I am grateful for a testimony of the Gospel. I am grateful to know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I am grateful for a Savior, Jesus Christ, who has atoned for my sins and imperfections. I am excited for this opportunity to serve those around me. I am about to get very busy, and I am actually alright with that. I know I will learn and grow in ways that I can't begin to imagine right now. Most of all, I pray that I will be made equal to the task. (By the way, if you are confused about any of the terms I've used, just ask and I will try to explain better what I am talking about)

You're such a tease

2011-06-21T00:13:00.000-06:00

One of these days I will give my faithful "Look and see if Erin has updated her Blog, oh, no she hasn't" Blog-checkers a nice surprise by actually posting something worth reading. For now, I will keep you in suspense by simply saying that my life is about to get VERY busy. I should probably, however, tell you not to get excited regarding my single status. It remains as it has been for ... well ... nevermind how long.

In the mean time, check out my Mormon.org profile (and look around a bit after that) by clicking on the picture to the right and up a bit.

The Next Chapter

2011-04-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

I've never been so happy to be in a place in my life. It's totally surreal. It feels like I'm just here for a visit, but I've actually moved home. I'm sure it would feel more real if I was living in my own apartment, but at this point I'd rather be in my Parent's house. I know what you're thinking. "A 26 year old is happy to be living in her parent's house?" I know how odd that sounds (or maybe not. I guess it depends on who you are), but it's just what I need for now. I will eventually move into an apartment and get a roommate or two. But right now I need to get back on my feet and get some money saved. Plus, sometimes a girl just needs her mother. The last two years have been absolutely exhausting in every way, and I am so looking forward to some t.l.c. that only my Mom and Dad can provide. I am so grateful for all the support they give me. I know I can go to them for anything I need. And best of all, they are always proud of me. I know I am also very fortunate to have found a new job so quickly. I owe that to my Father in Heaven. He takes such good care of me. He loves me and provides for me better than anything on Earth. He has blessed me with a loving and supportive family. I couldn't do all that I do without the help of my Father in Heaven. I am excited for what is coming next, although I try not to think about the possibilities because the anticipation would probably kill me.

My Oregon Trail

2011-04-01T19:48:00.000-06:00

So, A lot has been happening in my life over the past month. Things at Little Giant were not going well. I'd had to transfer over to help with Human Resources in Payroll. The HR manager and I did NOT work well together. I was miserable every day at work, which was not normal. When I was assisting Doug full time I loved going to work. Some days, work was the only thing keeping me sane. Doug's position changed, thus, potentially leaving me without a job. Luckily (or unluckily) there was a need for someone to assist with Payroll, and I fit the bill. But it really wasn't working out. I dreaded going to work every day. We all know that is never a good feeling. So one day, I couldn't take it anymore and had a nearly total break down. I was depressed and feeling at the end of my rope. So I decided I was going to start looking for another job. And, being the courteous employee that I am, (not to mention I was slightly forced into letting it out), I let the HR manager know that I was starting to look for a new position. I went to the temple before I made the decision and felt very calm and peaceful about the decision. After that, the HR manager decided that was code for me giving notice, and 2 weeks later I found myself out of a job. I was fortunate to be able to work a temp job only 2 days after being let go. I had been interviewing prior to being let go, and I ended up interviewing for about 10 different jobs and all of them were rejections. I didn't make any sense to me. I have a great resume and great references, not to mention a great work ethic. I was fighting feelings of discouragement and rejection. I was trying hard to stay positive and remember that it takes some time to find the right job, etc. My temp job was more than I would be able to handle long term. It was MIND numbing! So a couple of days ago my Mom (who has been amazingly supportive through all of this) told me of an opening at the company my Dad works for. Dad works for Umbrella Properties. The owner also owns a ski resort and campgrounds. That company is called Hoodoo. The opening was for an Administrative Assistant for Hoodoo. I sent my resume over and got in contact with the HR manager. He called me yesterday and asked if I was serious about taking the position, because it would require me to move back to Oregon. I told him I was serious about the position. He just needed to speak with one other person and would call me back. He called me back today and offered me the position. So, I am moving back home to Oregon on April 8th. That's only in a week. I'm so glad. I have been wanting to just go home for at least 6 months. Everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father has taken very good care of me. He always has and he always will. I am so grateful for His guidance and love. I am so excited to go home and start a new phase of my life.

I Need a New Job

2011-03-22T12:21:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,
I am looking for a new job. I have an amazing resume and great references. I am interested in Administrative Assistant, Secretary or Receptionist positions. Please let me know if you know of anything.

Thanks

March , 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

I am interested in working for your organization. I am a highly qualified Administrative Professional with over 6 years of office experience to offer you as your newest employee. I have enclosed my resume as a first step in exploring the possibilities of employment with your company.

I would bring a strong, positive, self motivated and dedicated force to your company. I am a “Team Player” and work quickly and efficiently. I am experienced in many aspects of office jobs that range from customer service, to receptionist, to assisting managers and executives. I am able to work with no supervision and am excited to work with your organization to improve my existing skills as well as develop new skills.

I look forward to hearing from you soon to set up a convenient time to interview. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Erin Rachelle Wright

Orem UT 84058 PHONE: 801-380-8203
E-MAIL: erinrachellewright@gmail.com
ERIN R WRIGHT

EDUCATION:

2 Years Brigham Young University Provo, Utah

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS:

Experience:

4 years Customer Service
5 years Receptionist
3 years Administrative/Executive Assisting

Skills:

Excellent Computer Skills developed over a seven year period
Word, Excel, Outlook, and Access.
Able to quickly pick up new computer programs and office systems
Excellent data entry, filing and office organization
Multi-line phone operation
Excellent at multi-tasking
Exceptional people skills
Self motivating and driven
Type 70 WPM and 10 Key
CPR and First Aid certified

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:

Apr 2005-Mar 2007 Wing Enterprises Springville, Utah
Nov 2007-Current

Three years as Administrative Assistant to the Senior Vice President / COO

Duties Included: Schedule coordination, Incentive Program coordination, Maintain Excel Spreadsheets, Meeting notes

Six months as Human Resources Assistant
Duties Included: Payroll, Commission Calculation, Employee file maintenance, Receptionist Duties
Two years as Customer Service Representative
Duties Included: Assisting customers with order status, inbound and outbound calling

May 2003-Apr 2005 State Farm Insurance Oregon & Utah

One year as Receptionist including general office duties
One year Licensed Insurance Agent in Utah

REFERENCES:

Available Upon Request

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

Erin Wright has worked with me for the past three years as an administrative
assistant. Erin has the ability to handle multiple projects at once. She is very
organized and efficient. She is very knowledgeable with many computer
programs. Her typing skills are exceptional.

When she was first assigned as my assistant, she was very helpful with
compiling very large company reports and spreadsheets for our sales teams.
After I was named COO of the company, Erin continued to assist me. She was
instrumental in assisting me in the design and implementation of two new
programs here at Little Giant. With her help, our new training and employee
recognition programs have become very successful.

I would highly recommend Erin Wright for employment. She is cheerful,
punctual, dependable, and highly organized. Please do not hesitate to
contact me should you have any other questions. I can be reached at 801-
376-2402.

Sincerely,

Douglas R. Wing
Chief Operating Officer

Flying Shoes

2011-02-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

I am a talented woman. Not many people I know can lose their shoes when they're fully tied. Turns out I have a talent for it. I went tubing at Soldier's Hollow (up Provo Canyon) last night and on my second run as I dug my heels into the snow to slow myself and my traveling companion down at the appropriate point I could feel my tennis shoes begin to slip off. As I tried desperately to keep them on they managed to break loose from those annoying feet keeping them in place and took a short flight, only to land seconds later about mid-way down the tube run. It was hilarious! My tubing companion, Heather, heard me squeal "I lost my shooooeeesss!!" We both started cracking up. The poor worker dude had to run up the hill to retrieve them for me. In the mean time my socks were soaked. Don't you worry, though, that didn't stop me from going down many, many more times. Surprisingly I was able to keep my shoes on from then on.

On a side-ish note, my glove-less hands were toasty warm the whole time. I think my hands must be bionic.

Universal Remotes

2011-01-23T21:43:00.001-07:00

This post may seem too personal for my public blog, but I feel the need to share it with "the world". You know how those matters of The Spirit are. When the Lord directs, you follow. I hope you enjoy my thoughts.

So I was reading in Matthew last night and came across a thought. Trusting in the Lord is more a matter of accepting and acting on His will than saying a prayer and expecting to receive exactly what you want, exactly when you want it. If it was the later rather than the former, I'm fairly certain that would be absolutely pointless in the grand design of The Plan. Trusting in the Lord is trusting that His will is what will be best for you and what will make you the happiest. I've been pondering on this subject all day. When the thought first crossed my mind I realized that sitting here and wishing my prayer for a husband to be answered this week, month, year, decade, etc. doesn't do me an ounce of good. Yes I am trying to put myself out there. It has been a little difficult lately because I've been sick with Pneumonia again. But I am trying. That's all I can do. I can't force my Prince Charming to come out of hiding simply by praying a selfish prayer. So what do I pray for instead? Do I pray for patience or do I pray for the strength to endure my time of loneliness? I would choose to pray for the strength to endure. In the mean time I should remember that to endure isn't simply to wait. It involves living life well and to the fullest that you can at any particular moment. I can't live in the past, and I can't live in the future. I can only live in the right now. I need to focus my thoughts and attention on Christ. I need to focus on my relationship with him. I need to remember him. By praying for strength to endure and developing my relationship with Him I am using His Atonement. So, I will address myself when I say, "Step away from the Universal Remote Control". The only one that has the full ability to use that remote is my Heavenly Father and my Savior. The buttons don't work when I try to push them by myself. They only work when I hand the remote over to God. He is the man of my house for now. He will flip the channel to what I most need in order to become who He knows I can be. I will be infinitely happier when I do that. I can give up the control.

Total Strangers and Pneumonia, again

2011-01-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

So this post may end up a bit rambly, so I apologize in advance if it turns into a major bore/incoherent.
My boss, who may or may not have a hidden agenda, set me up with a total stranger to both him, his wife, and myself. I suspect the agenda was "If I set her up with a guy that already works in Utah, and if she marries him, she'll stay in Utah and I don't have to bother getting a new assistant." He gave the dude my number and said he would call me soon. Surprisingly enough the dude did call me a few weeks after Doug told me about it. Doug told me where he works and that he "seems like a really nice guy". That, and his name, was all I knew about him before the phone call. The first suggested day for the date was already booked up for me, so we had to set it up for last Thursday, which was about a week later. That was already looking like a fairer prospect than my last set up attempt that was also made by a business associate. That time the dude didn't get any farther than calling and telling me he'd have to look at his schedule and then I never heard from him again. Anyway, so the Dude aka Ryan, asked me out for Dinner for Thursday. I was sort of looking forward to it. He picked me up and was very nice. He opened the restaurant door like a gentleman should and let me order first, etc. He was nice looking and was good at asking questions. We seemed to have a few things in common. The place we went to eat was a nice casual place, so it was actually pretty good as far as blind dates go. The only problem was that there was zero spark. What a surprise. If he were to ask me out again I would say yes, but I doubt he will. He didn't really seem that interested in getting to know me more, and to be honest, I wasn't really interested in getting to know him more either. So, my opinion of blind dates being pointless for me still stands firm. I think I just won't go on dates at all unless someone actually asks me out because they are interested in me, or want to get to know me better, and I am fine with that. That's what I prefer. So, I am guessing that 2011 will be filled with a lot of dateless weekends if life continues as it has for the past 8 years. Now, I'm definitely not saying that I'll never go on a date. All I'm saying is that they will be few and far between, especially since there are really no eligible or datable guys in my ward. It hasn't really helped my social situation that I've had Pneumonia since New Years so I haven't been able to go to institute or choir. So as soon as I'm healthy again (and especially when the weather isn't frigid) I should have a more successful social life. It's time for Erin to get some guts and talk to strangers. (Funny side note, instead of typing "guts" I accidentally typed "guys". Both apply)

The Snuggie for the Katie Friend

2011-01-02T22:18:00.001-07:00

So, I've been crocheting like a mad woman. I found a couple of books that I really liked the patterns in and I made one for my dear Katie friend. And here it is. It took me about a month to finish it and it turned out great! I'm so excited to give it to her! It's a blanket, but there are holes so you can use it as a snuggie as well. It's brilliant really. The original pattern had some hideous colors and more detail than what I decided to do. I like it better the way I finished it. You can't really tell in the picture, but it has a green border that I think really ties it together.

Toy Story

2010-12-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

I adore Toy Story. I always have. In fact, one time I went to Toy Story on Ice at the Rose Garden with the Saxmans. I'm not sure how old I was exactly, but I'm sure it was High School. There were a million teeny boppers and then High School age me and Steph. Haha. I'm watching Toy Story 1 right now. It's been far too long since I've seen it. My favorite quote is probably when Woody is planning his and Buzz' escape from Sid's house so Buzz doesn't get blown up.
"I need Pump Boy here. Ducky here. Legs, you're with Ducky. Roller Bob and I don't move until we get the signal....... Wind The Frog!!!" baahahaha. It makes me laugh every time. Mostly I love being a kid at heart. Long before Toy Story even came out I used to imagine that my stuffed animals would come to life when I wasn't looking. If it had been a while since I had played with a doll or stuffed animal I would feel super guilty and need to play with it again. Haha. So Toy story reminds me of my childhood and my very active imagination at the time. Those were the days. I'm just grateful I can still act like a kid sometimes. I build forts. I watch iCarly. I You Tube Animaniacs and Darkwing Duck. After all, who doesn't!?

Naming the Biz

2010-11-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I have a few name ideas for me crochet business, but I need to know which one is best. Please let me know what you think.

Erin's Cozy Creations
Cozy Crochets by Erin
Erin's Custom Creations
Hooked on You

If you've got any other ideas, I'm all ears.

Please take my survey

2010-11-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about starting a crochet business. Please fill out my survey so I can decide if it will be successful.

http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22BHJPD33N6/

Post date blues

2010-11-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

My date was a lot of fun. It was helpful that I went out with someone I am already friends with and knew that we would have things to talk about. I was super grateful to have such a good time. We went to dinner at Iggy's Sport's Grill so I could watch the Duck game that almost killed me. haha. We won, so no harm no foul. ;) I had a delicious beef kabob. YUMMMM!! Then we went bowling. So I've never been very good at bowling, luckily he wasn't good either, haha. We played 2 games and I didn't get a single strike and only got like 3 spares. It was not a good game for me, but I didn't mind. We had some good laughs. Especially when I managed to drop the bowling ball and it went backwards. It was hilarious. After bowling we got PIE at Village Inn. I love pie! It was great fun. Thanks friend M! :)

So, since my super fun time, I've been a little blue. You know, like how you feel after an awesome vacation and realize it's over. That's kind of how I feel right now. Not to say that I feel like that will be the last date I ever go on. By all means, it will happen again. This I know. It's more of a feeling of anticlimaticism-ish (so I just made that word up, but I think it should be added to the dictionary). I"m not really sure how to explain it. Anyhow, I probably need to find another date soon. The challenge is to find the dude. Wish me luck.

"You've got to bat your eyes like dis. You've got to pucker yo lips like dis. See"

2010-11-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to a friend the other day and came to a sad realization for a single woman. I haven't been on a legitimate date (a male asking me out without being set up with me) in .... drum roll please .... TWO YEARS. Yes my friends, two 365day trips around the sun. Now, don't go blaming this sad tale completely on the gentlemen of the single, free, Mormon world. Yours truly hasn't exactly been an open book when it comes to the opposite sex. However, the red flag was really only up for about a year after I broke up with Patrick. It's been an additional year since that. So, I came to the conclusion that this streak could not continue any longer, especially if I could help it along. So what do you do? You post your desperation on Facebook in the form of status. Then, you have a casual conversation with multiple male acquaintances and/or friends. It is essential to smile and bat your eyelashes as you have your casual conversation.You may be asking yourself, is she serious or exaggerating a bit? My friends, I am serious. It worked. I have successfully secured my first legitimate date in 2 years with a friend in my ward. Congratulations to me!!
I don't know what we're doing yet, but we're going out on Saturday night at 7. It's going to be fun :)

The facts of life

2010-09-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated in a really long time, so maybe I should update. Life has been difficult, but what's new? My life isn't nearly as difficult as others, so I'm grateful for that. Anyway, in order to prevent airing my dirty laundry I'll just stick to the few facts of my life.

Fact 1 - I adore my family!
I sent my "baby" brother off to college a few weeks ago. That not so little Chaddy-poo just grows up so fast! He's at BYU Idaho in Rexburg, Idaho. The coldest place I've ever been to. The wind bites your face off in the winter. I wish him luck! But I'm super proud of him. He was so excited and is doing very well.
Emma (my mini-me) has started Middle School and her life is full of the drama contained therein. She's driving my Mom crazy, so I always remind her of how I was and that she can handle it when she calls me at her wits end. Ah, the armpit of life.
Megan and Craig are in love, that's all that needs to be said there. You can infer the rest ;)
Jer, Shawna, Abbie, Isaac and Carolyn are doing well. Shawna has had some health problems for the last while, but it's on it's way to being resolved and she will be healthier shortly. You'll have to ask her for details if you know her and don't already know what's going on.
Dad is healthy and a bit happier, which is very good :) I love my Daddy. When I went to help move Chad to "Iceburg" my Daddy bought me a bunch of groceries. My parents take wonderfull care of me. Mom texts me every day to remind me to take my happy pill, which helps more than I can say.
I couldn't survive if it wasn't for my family.

Fact 2 - I love the Gospel
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I love it. The knowledge that the gospel brings blesses my life every day. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and who is aware of the challenges I face. I know that my loving Father in Heaven sent his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins and to live a mortal life so he knows how to succor us when we need succoring. I know that my loving Father in Heaven has restored His Gospel through Joseph Smith, with the same Priesthood that existed from the beginning. That Priesthood and the saving Ordinances performed through that power bless my life every day. I know that we have a prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson, who holds all the keys of the Priesthood and the authority of directing the Lord's church on the earth today. I am excited to listen to his words, and the words of the apostles in the upcoming General Conference. I know when I listen to their counsel my life is enriched. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and that when I study it and apply the principles contained in it, as well as the Bible, I become a better person. I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers and answers them in His time and in His way. I know that my family is sealed for eternity because of the authority of the Priesthood Ordinances performed in the Temple of God. I know that I will have my very own eternal family when the time is right.

Fact 3 - Work, we've all got to do it
Work is going well. If you didn't already know (which most of you probably already do) I work at Little Giant Ladder Systems in Springville, Utah (www.littlegiantladdersystems.com) as the assistant to the COO and, recently I added responsibilities in Human Resources. I love working for the COO (Doug Wing). He's the best boss ever. The Human Resources department is packed with stress and isn't a whole lot of fun, but I am grateful to have more responsibility. I've always got a million and one things to do, so all and all, work is good.

Fact 4 - My Friends are amazing.
That's all I need to say about that.

So there is my update.

Big and Little

2010-08-12T23:05:00.000-06:00

I registered with Big Brother Big Sister of Utah like 8 months ago and I finally got matched with a Little Sister. We had our first activity about a week ago. I took my Little Ice Skating. We had a lot of fun. She is 6. She loves dancing and crafts. She's definitely a girly girl. I think it's a really good match. Her mom had been in jail a couple of times because of drug use but has made a turn around in her life and has gotten custody back of N (my Little) by being drug free for over a year. She is a good mom and I'm glad that N can have her back in her life. N needs consistency and someone to be there for her since she has had her mom in and out of her life so much. N has been fortunate to have been living with her Grandma. N is a really good kid. She is adorable. Next week we are going on a picnic. N is always really excited for our activities. It's already been really fulfilling and we've only done one activity so far. Mentoring has been one of the best choices I have made in years. I am excited to form a relationship with little N and hopefully be a positive fixture in her life.

From first date to chosen mate....or not

2010-06-27T21:31:00.000-06:00

So a few weeks ago my darling grandma called me and asked me if it would be ok for her to give my phone number to a guy that they work with in the Portland Temple. Of course I said it would be ok (because you just can't say no to my grandma). He was going to be in Salt Lake for wedding in a couple of weeks and grandma and grandpa wanted to set me up with him. So he calls me last friday while I was at work and told me he was staying in Grantsville. Now, if you're at all familiar with Utah, I may know where Grantsville is, but most people don't so I'll tell you where it is because it is pertinent to my tale. Grantsville is a tiny little farming town about 45 minutes southwest of Salt Lake City, and probably about an hour away from Orem, where I live. So seeing as he was staying so far I decided we better meet in Salt Lake. I told him I was at work right then, so he said he would call me back when I got off at 5. So naturally I assumed he would be planning in the mean time. I was wrong. He called me back about 5:30 and asked how long it would take me to get to Salt Lake because he was on Redwood Rd, which is not very far from downtown. I suggested we meet outside the Conference Center at Temple Square. Then I had him describe what he looked like because I had NO idea what the dude looked like. I almost felt like I needed to be carrying a rose and a novel. Haha. Anyway, so he asks me what I would like to do. I was a little surprised that he hadn't done any research or figured out what he wanted to do, so I suggested that we go to dinner somewhere. He didn't know where to go so I decided where we would go. I felt like I was planning the date, which was a little odd for me since I'm the girl and I'm a bit old fashioned and prefer a little chivalry. So we met up ok and went to the Burger place I suggested (I was driving by the way, because he didn't have a car and had to have someone drop him off at our meeting place). So he DID pay for dinner, which was good and the conversation wasn't bad. So after dinner he still didn't have a specific plan, so I suggested that we go to Temple Square because there's this really cool scale model of the Salt Lake Temple in the South Visitors Center that I thought he might be interested in. He agreed that it would be fun to go there. Again, the conversation was fine for a blind date. So then he wanted to go to Deseret Book. Come to find out he was really there to buy a wedding gift for his friend that was getting married. OH! And I forgot to mention that he also answered his cell phone twice by this time when he knew who it was, and both times it was a girl. NOT good dating etiquette, in case you didn't know. He also never opened a single door for me. So we end up being in Deseret Book until closing, which was a little awkward because the employees had to tell him twice that they were closing and we were really just perusing. It was just awkward. So after that I asked him what the plan was and he said he would try to call a few people to see what was going on. So after he called 6 people (NONE of whom answered), I asked him if he had a ride back to Grantsville and he said no. OK seriously! Who has someone drop them off in a place 45 minutes away from where they are staying without securing a way back. Apparently he does. So, I had two choices. Either leave him there at 10:00 at night with no sure way of getting back to Grantsville, or take him there myself. I'm a kind person, so I chose option number 2. Luckily, Grantsville is near Tooele where I have been numerous times because I have extended family living there, so I was familiar with how to get home after dropping him in Grantsville without back tracking clear to Salt Lake. We left Temple Square at 10:00 pm and I didn't get back to my place until 12:30 am. I ended up spending more on gas then he did on dinner hands down. If the conversation had been really crappy that would have been by far the worst date on the face of the planet. My family and I laugh about it, though, cause it really is funny. The weirdest part for me, though, was that he reminds me of my missionary in his personality almost exactly. He would talk and have a full conversation with random people on the street, etc. and I'm pretty over that kind of person. The funniest part, though, I found out today. My grandpa talked to him this last week and asked him if he ever flew into the general Salt Lake area again what he would do. The guy said he would call me and go on ... get this ... 3 or 4 dates with Erin! I couldn't help but laugh. It was hilarious. I said that as long as he has a car and doesn't answer his phone I would go out with him again. At least he thought it was a good date. Hahaha

Sometimes I imagine my life is a move

2010-06-06T22:18:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting on my couch watching the lightning storm outside, listening to soft music and feeling the way I feel when I imagine that my life is a movie. I imagine my movie is playing a cheese-ball flashback or some other dumb scene that I would totally be rolling my eyes at if I were actually watching it. I'm just a straight-up nerd, really. Anyhow, as I've been sitting, I've had about a billion things running through my mind. I'm feeling contented, but also very overwhelmed. I'm not really sure how to deal with everything going on in my brain, so here I am on the blog trying to sort it all out. Since I've moved things have not been a cake-walk, but things aren't going badly. When I first moved, I was told I would be in the 19th ward, only to find out after 2 weeks and having my records transferred to said ward that I was not in the right ward. So, I got in touch with the correct ward and started to attend, requested my records to be transferred (Again), paid my tithing (finally), and got a calling. So about 2 weeks ago, as my calling as Ward Activities Committee Co-Chair was to go into full swing I discovered my records had somehow either never transferred, or gone back to the 19th ward. And here I sit, still in limbo. It's very frustrating. I've found myself asking myself over and over if I made the right move in coming to a place where I don't know a soul and where everything seems completely opposite of what it should be. I thought a fresh start would be just the ticket. Shows you how much I know. I feel like I'm looking at my life through a bottle. It's all distorted and I can't seem to make anything out clearly. I'm sure everything will work out, but I can't help but question whether I made the move to the right place. The place I'm living is more expensive than I've been used to in the last 3 years, and I've never been good with finances, and so I find myself stressed about money on top of feeling overwhelmed with my new ward and my new calling. It's hard to be the activities committee co-chair when you don't know anyone on your committee and haven't been able to get in touch with your co-chair (who, by the way, is a girl who no one has seen at church for months). I feel lonely (in the social sense) and I'm scared out of my mind that I won't be able to handle everything on my plate. It's probably a good thing that going back to school didn't work out. I'm fairly certain that would have sent me over the edge that I'm already teetering on as it is. I need help in my calling and I need my records to get back into the right ward. I need a co-chair and a committee that is active and can help me plan fun activities so the ward can become more unified. My ward is combined with 2 other wards for the summer, and so I don't even really know who is in my ward and who isn't. All I know is that I am grateful for a firm testimony of the gospel and of my Savior, Jesus Christ. If I didn't have that I'm pretty sure I would be headed for complete despair. Instead, I have hope that things will get better. I have hope that I will be able to make friends and fulfill my calling in the ward. I decided a few weeks ago that I am going to focus on who I can help and how I can make a difference in the lives of people I come in contact with. It's hard to do when I'm feeling so overwhelmed as it is, but I will keep trying to look outside of myself. Service always lifts the burdens placed upon our backs. Things will get better and I'm really not unhappy in any way. I'm just overwhelmed. Things always are super hard before something great comes. I hope it's a husband ;) haha

Change of Plans because of Unlce Sam

2010-05-23T14:52:00.000-06:00

So the whole school thing is not turning out the way I had hoped. I was thoroughly convinced that I could get a grant, however, Uncle Sam did NOT agree. So, I had to crunch some numbers and the verdict has not come back in my favor. I am not going to be able to go back to school. A subsidized loan wouldn't be enough and I SO don't feel comfortable taking out a loan with an interest rate. So, I feel a bit defeated. I will re-visit going back to school after my car is paid off. I really appreciate everyone's support, though. If only my pocket book agreed with my goals.

What the.... did I really just do that?

2010-05-12T20:58:00.000-06:00

I think I've lost my mind.... I, Erin Rachelle Wright, am going back to school. I will be going to Utah Career College to get an associates in Business Administration. I am excited, but also incredibly nervous. For the last 3 years I have wanted to get back in school, but I never really saw it happening any time soon. And now, I've submitted an application and have an appointment to discuss financial aid. I feel like a deer in the head lights and I'm not totally sure if I can really do this. I do feel calm, though, despite this little nervous thought inside my head. Tell me I'm not crazy for doing this. I want to succeed so badly and I should be able to do it at this College. The class sizes are small and a few of my BYU credits will transfer. I am also fairly confident I can test out of a few courses. I will start slow and only take 2 classes the first quarter. I should be able to finish in about 2 years. Totally do-able, right? I'm not setting myself up for failure like the last time I tried going back to school....right? I will succeed this time....right? Heaven help me!

I am overwhelmed

2010-04-25T22:39:00.001-06:00

I am officially in my new place. What a weekend it has been! I am so overwhelmed. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father so much this weekend. I can't begin to put it in words. I had a wonderful opportunity to attend the Sealing of my good friend Eric Thomas. That union brought an incredibly strong spirit. I was able to feel the thin-ness of the veil as well as other very personal things that can't be expressed over a blog. I attended my ward today, which actually might not be the right ward, but I feel confident that I will end up where I'm supposed to be. I met with the Bishop of the ward that my records are in right now (Orem University 19th ward), and he will help me get to the right ward, whether it be his or the 13th ward. I have a strong feeling of comfort and strength after meeting with Bishop Richins. I am excited for this change in my life. I have been saying that it's the beginning of my future, and I know that is the truth. Something wonderful is on the horizon. I am truly and profoundly blessed.

The House needs warming

2010-04-17T21:46:00.000-06:00

I will be throwing a house warming party on May 1st at my new place in Orem from 8 to midnight-ish.
1432 S 430 W look at my facebook profile for more info if you need it, or give me a call. Looking forward to seeing you there.

Pumping Iron

2010-04-16T20:52:00.000-06:00

I'm never rested when I wake up no matter how many hours of sleep I get, which makes me cranky and irritable. I determined the irritability was getting a bit out of hand, so a few weeks ago I decided to ask my doctor about it when I went for a routine depression follow up. I told him that I kick in my sleep, and have for my entire life; as anyone that's spent the night in the same room with me (or an adjacent room) can attest to. I also snore according to my mom. So he sent me to another doctor to do a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea or some other sleep disorder. The sleep study was an incredibly uncomfortable. I had about 5 probes on my head (in my hair), 1 on my forehead, 1 under each eye, 2 on my chin, 1 on my neck, 1 on each side of my chest, 1 on my left side, and 2 on each leg, a breathing monitor under my nose that went around my ears, and a pulse monitor on my finger. Needless to say, I did not sleep well, but apparently i just needed to sleep enough, which I did. I went in for the results this week. The study showed that I, indeed, kick and move a lot, which I already knew. So, the doctor suggested I have my blood tested for iron deficiency. Bingo. That is why I have been so tired and irritable. So, I am now taking a supplement and will go back in a month to see if the supplement is helping. I should be able to tell, though, in about 3 days.

Dear Void....

2010-02-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Over the past 3 weeks or so I have been thinking a lot about my current situation in life. I am in a good place spiritually. In fact, I'd risk saying that I am in a great place spiritually. I am where I want to be and growing steadily. I am emotionally healthy as well which is so refreshing. I am able to process my feelings and know why I feel whatever it is that's registering in my brain.( I thank my shrink for that. ;) I keep myself busy after work with a myriad of crochet projects. Since January I have made 2 baby blankets, 7 chemo caps for my co-worker, about 6 baby hats for a charity drive, a sampler afghan a prayer shawl for a friend of mine, and I'm about to finish another afghan. And of course there are the visits with a few friends and watching the Olympics, and Bones, which is my favorite show. I attend the Temple once a week as well. So all in all, it's a good situation, but there is something very large that is missing. You may have noticed it as I ran through my list. I am in great need of, not only a social life, but a dating life. Over this last year I had been working hard to get to the Temple and to work through my last relationship fiasco and all the baggage that surfaced through that experience, so dating was at the very rock bottom of my priority list. Now that those items have been taken care of and I am healthy it is time to put dating back at the tippy top of my list. The problem is, I do not live in a place where dating is happening for me. There isn't a soul I'm interested in and i haven't made myself available for any man to be interested in me. I know this is the right time for that to change, but I feel a little stuck. So last week as I was bored at work I decided to register for a few institute courses over at UVU. I am hoping I will be able to meet people through that medium and get a head start on coming out of my shell before I move in April. I can't just sit around and wait for April to come anymore. I have to do something or I am pretty sure I will go crazy. So, here I go. Wish me luck, ... that is .... if anyone is actually reading this.

I am a Project

2010-01-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am a Project. Yes, Erin Rachelle Wright is one of those people that others look at and say, we should really help that poor girl. Haha.... Just kidding. I'm really not. But there is definitely a problem that I have of a sort. For the last year I have been not only un-social, but a bit anti-social. For that period of time, believe it or not, it was actually necessary for me to step out of the social world for a while. However, now is the time to get back into the swinging social scene. Thus, the purpose of the project is two fold
1. Get myself to social functions
2. Once I am at said function stay for the duration
The problem I am facing mostly lies with numero dos. I don't often have a large problem with going to ward activities, but once I am there I usually only stick around for the minimum time available (unless it happens to take place in my apartment because then I'm forced to stay). This is a problem. I have not let myself be available for the formation of new friendships and that needs to change before I move in April. I need practice. After all, if I am ever going to meet that special someone, I must be physically and mentally present for the friendship to be forged in the first place. Thus, I have made myself into a project. Wish me luck and I welcome your advice and comments because I pretty much have no idea how to get myself there, let alone keep from talking myself out of going/staying once I'm there. So, here I go. May I receive strength from the Lord in doing what he would have me do.

I feel weird cause it's 2010

2010-01-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

You know those times when there has been so much change that you feel like you're almost in an alternate universe? No? Well, I get that feeling a lot. Lately I have been wondering what I need to be doing with my life right now. I keep busy with work, Temple attendance and who even knows what else I do all day, but I feel like there is so much more I could be doing. So as I've been trying to figure it out I find myself looking more and more towards April. I hope that when I move I will find whatever I have been looking for. I know it's time for change, and I welcome it. That's the beauty of a new decade, I guess. So for now I will continue to pray and ponder and strive to give my life in service to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I figure I can't go wrong as long as I am serving. So I feel hopeful and I am sure 2010 is going to be SOOOO much better than 2009 or even 2008, because I have made sacred covenants in the House of the Lord and will receive strength from those covenants.

2009-12-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

I am going through the Temple in less than 24 hours! I can't even tell you just how excited I am! I am so anxious too, but it's a good kind of anxious. It seems so surreal. I can hardly believe it. But it's happening. I'm all ready to go. Words cannot describe it, and I don't think they're supposed to.

Temple

2009-12-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

I get to go through the Temple!!! I'm going through on December 23rd. I am so excited! I am so happy!! It's been a long road full of stretching and shaping, and now here I am. I couldn't be happier! I can't begin to put in words how I feel. I love the gospel! I love the Temple! I am eternally grateful!

What!? I actually cooked something that wasn't in a package or box!?

2009-11-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I made a pasta sauce from scratch for the first time ever. It was pretty good for a first attempt. It was a white sauce. I put garlic, basil and oregano in the sauce. There was also salt and black pepper. It turned out a little too thick and needed more salt, but I call it a success. I'm just proud of myself, really.

Moving in April

2009-11-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am looking for a furnished apartment or condo or house to move into in April in Provo or Orem. My price max is $330. If you know of a place, or you are looking for a roommate and the split cost would be around my price range let me know!
Thanks all you lovely people!!!

I absolutely love this definition of a real man

2009-11-05T17:47:00.002-07:00

Sunday, 17 May 2009

· The Ultimate Definition Of A Real Man

There have been several past attempts posted on Mancouch to describe what actions only a real man can carry out. Not surprisingly, none of them were accurate. There is in fact a surefire test of manhood, namely, fatherhood.

Only a real man can be a good father.

Impregnating a woman, and thus becoming a father, proves that a man is not lacking in his male areas. It also demonstrates beyond any doubt that he can in fact get a woman, and is certainly heterosexual.

But simply becoming a father does not make you a good father, he must also be part of raising his children. He must be there for his children and their mother. He must provide for his family. He must be a good example to his children. This is probably one of the most important things a man can do. Simply by loving his wife, and being kind to her, he can teach his children how a man ought to treat his family. By providing for them he can show them that a man ought to be responsible.

A father who is not a real man will certainly fail in this area. No real man would ever leave his wife, and certainly he would not leave his own children. If he is cruel to his wife, or children, they will learn to fear men. If he does not provide for her and them they will think that men do not contribute, but merely stick around for the free ride. Often times his son will not respect women, and his daughters will probably grow up to be feminist man-haters. This will not how it always happens, but it seems to be the norm based on my own experiences and observations.

A real man must also spend time with his children, teach them skills, and show interest in their activities. He must discipline them when they misbehave, but not abuse them. And he must protect them, and his wife, from any danger that comes their way. If a man runs from danger leaving his children unprotected, he is clearly not a real man. In fact even most boys will stand up for their families in the face of danger. Even rodents protect their nest from predators.

Do you think fatherhood is the ultimate test of a real men? Was your father a real man?

Boo! A'La Brownstone

2009-11-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

Katie (aka Judice from an SNL skit about Lawrence Welk) about to blow up Jason (aka Terrorist)

And showing my true colors decked out as a Football Player (Notice the padding on my rear, hips, and calves)

Our awesome spread of goodies. On the far left we have "finger food". This was Katie's mom's genious.

Yet another brian child of Katie's mom = Meatloaf Rats

My lovely roomates (well, some of them anyway)

Some dear friends

A whole slew of random people

If you want to see more you should go look on my Facebook page.

Halloween

2009-10-29T22:03:00.000-06:00

If anyone reads this Blog and lives in Provo, and knows where I live, or knows my phone number to find out where I live, you should come to my Halloween Party on Saturday from 8-Midnight. LOTS of fun and food.
See you there!

ps....costumes are encouraged, but not required....Stop in any time.

A couple of favorite quotes

2009-10-26T00:49:00.000-06:00

I have been fortunate to run across these inspiring, comforting and reassuring quotes in the last couple of weeks. They have become my credos.

The first was found in October's visiting teaching message. I have something I like to call the Yoda complex. When he tells Luke Skywalker "Do, or do not. There is no try". I don't think that is true. I prefer to believe what Gordon B. Hinckley said is much more accurate and much more merciful. He said, "You have not failed as long as you have tried". This is the cure for the Yoda complex. Throughout my life I have believed Yoda. That if I try and do not succeed, that I have miserably failed. That is very hard for me to accept, and being the perfectionist personality type that I am, I take it much more to heart than I should and find myself discouraged. So, as I was reading through the visiting teaching message and came across what President Hinckley had to say, a light turned on in my mind, and I saw "failure" as my Heavenly Father sees it. Failure only happens when you simply do nothing, but as long as you try, you have not failed.

The second quote was e-mailed to me through "Daily Gems". (You can sign up to receive these e-mails on lds.org. I signed up for both the regular Daily Gems, as well as the Daily Gems for Single Adults.) I have been seeing a therapist for the past couple of months to help me to develop tools to feel more comfortable in social situations and to try to move away from my perfectionist personality traits that impede my self-esteem. I have felt led and directed by my Heavenly Father and know that He is helping me through my struggles through my associations with friends, family, and my therapist, so this quote means more to me now than it would have 3 months ago. It says:
"[A] key to an adequate self-esteem is humility. I do not mean the breast-beating, sackcloth-and-ashes kind of humility. I mean the humility that comes with inner strength and peace. It is the humility that allows us to accept and live with our own warts, without cosmetics to hide them".
-James E. Faust
I love that so much. I wish I could express exactly why I love it and what I have come to understand by it, but it's a bit too late in the evening, and it's pretty personal and involved, but I wanted to share it in hopes that someone out in the vast world wide web might benefit from it as I have. So there are my thoughts for now.

The Maxwell Family

2009-10-13T18:22:00.000-06:00

My baby sis is all marred now (no, I didn't forget the "i"). The wedding was beautiful due to the efforts of my wonderful mother's pre-wedding prep and our hard work Thursday and Friday. The happy couple is now gallivanting up and down the Oregon coast. Awww! How cute. They will return Wednesday-ish to their precious little abode with a mattress made of clouds. Their happy ending is just the beginning.

Losing Life in Service

2009-10-04T12:48:00.000-06:00

I decided in my campaign to turn a new leaf in my life, that I should probably participate in a regular volunteer program so I can focus on someone besides myself. So today, after the Sunday Morning Session of General Conference, I registered with United Way and applied to Big Brothers Big Sisters. I am looking forward to serving in an organized agency. I hope I can help improve a young person's life and be a positive influence in their life.

It was a good omen

2009-09-26T18:02:00.006-06:00

My brother sent me the following yesterday. He was right! :)

"It's a sign from heaven that we will beat Cal tomorrow."

Eugene, Babushka, Gary and Grape-Joy

2009-09-23T20:54:00.005-06:00

I bought African Dwarf Frogs today! I'd been wanting one for a very long time, but have only been vocal about the desire for a few months. I drove all the way to the Fashion Place Mall in Sandy to acquire the little darlings. Along with Eugene and Babushka (Bobbi), came two friendly snails, Gary and Grape-Joy. Gary is hiding in the picture, but you can see Grape-Joy in the bottom right corner. Their job is to keep the tank clean from the messes that Eugene and Bobbi will be making. Eugene and Bobbi are skittish little things, but that's just because they aren't used to their new home yet. Bobbi is on the left, Eugene on the right. They only need to be fed twice and week and their tank only needs limited cleaning once every two months. They are very low maintenance and are so cute! I highly recommend these frogs as a first pet for your little one, or for your own enjoyment.

Win Ducks Win!

2009-09-19T17:39:00.002-06:00

I absolutely love it when my Ducks win! The ESPN announcers were idiots today, though. One of them announced the game being played in Eugene Washington. Wow. That's all I have to say about that. Looks like Ed needs to brush up on his elementary school geography.

Pizza and a Breakthrough

2009-09-14T21:13:00.002-06:00

My throat is slowly healing from being sliced and diced for a good cause, aka... better health and immune system. I can eat real food now! I ate Pizza today! :) I love Pizza.

In addition, I had another break through. I actually had a drive to be productive after work today! That gives me a good feeling and gives me a renewed hope of beating depression and anxiety. I haven't been very good at the homework assignment that my therapist gave me to help me with the social anxieties, however, but I am still trying to try. Anyway, I cleaned my room and sent a couple of e-mails and typed up a list for my calling and read the scriptures and even a book for recreational reading. It's been a while since I've done that. Today has been a good day. I have been cheerful and felt a little lighter than I have in about a year. I am being blessed and uplifted every single day. I know that is due to the prayers of my family and close friends. I am being blessed every day and I am thankful.

"Happy Eight Day! .... Say Eight!"

2009-09-07T23:22:00.003-06:00

All I can say is ouch. But the ouch was a little different than I expected. I didn't anticipate that my tongue would hurt so bad. I thought the pain would be where they cut out a part of my body, which it is, but the pain I have noticed the most has been on my tongue. It's such a weird sensation. I think the only way I can describe it is like a sore muscle, seeing as how that's what your tongue is anyway. Ha Ha. Anywho, I am doing pretty well considering I ran out of percocet like 3 days ago. I am drinking so much water I am in the potty what seems like every 5 minutes. They say you heal faster when you drink lots of water. My diet has consisted of Jello, instant oatmeal, sorbet and popsicles. I attempted Pasta on Saturday night. That was a big mistake for sure. That hurt a lot. I was fortunate enough to be able to have my Mom and Dad come and take care of me from Tuesday to Saturday morning. What a blessing that was! I stayed at my aunt and uncle's place in Pleasant Grove until today. I have been working a little on my laptop, but I am going to attempt actually going in to work tomorrow. I don't think I'll last very long even though I am a workaholic. Wish me luck! I have enjoyed some beautiful flower arrangements from work and my grandparents and I have felt the power of prayers and thoughts in my behalf. I am very blessed and glad to have the fiendish tonsils forever removed from my body.

Tonsillectomy Tuesday

2009-08-26T18:57:00.001-06:00

I am having my tonsils removed on Tuesday, September 1st. All I can say is Hallelujah!!

~The End

Head vs Heart

2009-08-07T22:17:00.003-06:00

Here I sit in the living room of my apartment with my headphones turned all the way up. I drown out all sounds except for those that soothe and help me feel like I am by myself. I am in my own safe place. Music won't tease me. Music won't hurt my feelings. I can turn it off. I can change to a different song if the current tune upsets me. People, on the other hand, can not be turned off. They cannot be changed if you don't like what they say to you or about you or how they percieve you. All you can do is love yourself. How do you do that? How do you love yourself unconditionally? This is a question I have been asking myself over the last two weeks. I went to a counseling session a couple weeks ago. It was my first one since I was diagnosed with depression after my freshman year of college. It was the first session, so we weren't really diving in yet. It's what is called an evaluation. Not that I think you wouldn't know the word, of course you do, but that's what the first appointment is called. The therapist pointed out that I need to learn how to love myself. My gut reaction was to deny that. I immediately thought to myself, "I love myself. Who is this guy to tell me that I don't love myself. I know I am a child of God. I know my worth." And then I stepped back a little and really tried to take an objective look at it. To step outside of myself for a moment and realize that he is right. I do like myself, but I don't love myself unconditionally. If I don't even love myself that way, how can I love others that way as well? (I should add that I DO Love my Heavenly Father and my Family unconditionally because that's the kind of love they give to me). I read about other peoples struggles and wonder why I think I have it so hard. I wonder why I draw into myself so often and why I am truly my meanest and toughest critic. Others don't constantly beat up themselves if things don't turn out exactly as they planned. I read a quote once that has stuck with me, but I have failed to be able to implement. "Resign as General Manager of the Universe". I don't actually feel like controlling other people, but I do try to control my own personal universe, if that makes sense. I need to give up control and hand the steering wheel over to someone far wiser than I. I need to do hard things because hard things bring the best results. I know this, but I get so tired fighting with myself. I was telling my therapist in the evaluation how I feel like my heart and my head are always disagreeing and I don't know how to get them to be on the same page and line up the way they should. So, this is my question. How do you make your brain and your heart agree, and ultimately love yourself unconditionally? I don't expect an answer from anyone. I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just processing. I find I process the best when I am typing as opposed to long hand, or even talking to someone out loud. At least this way I am talking. I think that's a positive thing. Mom and Dad don't like me to put things like this on my blog, but it's really more therapeutic for me than destructive. At least this one is. It helps me to start in a good direction and look for hope and reasurrance that my depression is not something fake, or just in my head. It's real. My Dad suffers from it in a way that I can't even begin to imagine. I am fortunate that I can take medication to help me. God, bless my earthly father. Give him strength. Give him hope. Give him the spirit of discernment concerning himself as thou hast given me. I am so grateful to have the knowledge of the Gospel. I know that I have a Heavenly Father and Mother that love me unconditionally. I know that I have a savior that not only cleanses me of my sins and iniquities, but he suffered what I suffer. He is the only one who truly understands everything that we think and feel. He knows why, and He was the only one to overcome that. He alone had the strength to atone and suffer for us, His creations, Brothers, and Sisters. I know that Families can be eternal. I know that when we participate in the ordinances provided in our Father's Holy Houses, His Temples. I can't wait to receive those blessings for myself. I pray that I can prepare well to participate in those privileged and sacred ordinances performed in the Temple. I know the Book of Mormon is the Word of God and that it was translated by Joseph Smith with the power of the Priesthood given to him by Peter, James, and John who received it directly from the source of that power. I know these things because I have felt the spirit of the Holy Ghost confirm this to me time and time again. If anyone that reads this isn't a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, please visit www.mormon.org. You can learn so much about who you are and where you came from as well as where you are going. There is a plan for each of us. I know that our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ, are aware of each individual and their unique situations. I feel it appropriate to conclude in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Much Ado About Nothing

2009-07-13T22:25:00.003-06:00

I haven't written in forever. There's really not anything to write about in particular. Some of you may not know, my sister Megan is getting married to Craig Maxwell October 10th. I've been helping Meg and Mom with all that a wedding entails seeing as how I've helped a bajillion friends with their weddings. At one point my mom said to my dad, "Erin really knows everything about planning a wedding!" I have decided to change that phrase about bridesmaids to "3 times a maid-of-honor, 3 more years to add before I'm a bride." But, no, I'm really excited for Megan and Craig. They are perfect for each other and there were definitely higher powers at work there. They are MFEO (Refer to Sleepless in Seattle for definition of acronym). Besides that, my life is business as usual. I've become a bit of a workaholic, but I think I'm ok with that for now. I love my job and I'm good at it, so I figure without any other major responsibilities I am justified.
My dearest Rani is back from her mission. It has been great to spend time with her and hear all her wonderful mission stories. I missed her! She is always so upbeat and happy. She is a wonderful example to me. I am so glad she is back.
I have been feeling a tich lonely and homesick lately. My brother and Shawna had a new baby girl, Carolyn. I won't be able to see her until the wedding in October, so that's a bummer. She'll be so big by then. It's been really nice, though, to be able to see pictures.
I have gotten to see my mom a lot lately, which has helped. 3-ish weeks ago mom, Emma and I went to the Elkington family reunion in Tooele. That was really fun. I'm glad mom came for that. It's always nice to see the Elkington side. They are just so normal and down to earth. It's pretty drama free and that's super refreshing. Then mom came to Rexburg for Megan's senior recital and we threw her a little Bridal Shower with her Rexburg friends. So I got to see my Mom twice in a month and that is a rare thing lately. I love my family! I always feel so good when I am with them. I wish I could see them more often. I definitely need to be here in Provo right now, though, so I tough it out so to speak. So I think that's about it.

Lappy

2009-07-03T00:06:00.001-06:00

Wahoo! I just got my laptop today! It was only $550 from Dell. I heart it! I love not being stuck to a wall. It's fabulous. I'm going wireless baby!

California knows how to Party!

2009-05-26T17:33:00.004-06:00

This is the Pier at Huntington Beach at night. So cool!

This is Huntington Beach during the day ;) So pretty!

This is shortly after I sat on the side of the cliff. At this point I'm kind of bitter that they are taking a picture because it means I have to stay on the side of a cliff longer. Freak me out!

California was WAY fun. We slept in St George on Wednesday night. Thursday morning we got up at a fairly decent hour and went repelling. I am absolutely terrified of heights, so I'm sure you could imagine how it went, but you'd probably be only a little wrong... so I'll tell you how it went. We took a short drive to a cliff that has stakes in the top for repelling. I didn't look over the edge at all. I watched a couple people disappear off the side of the cliff, and when I say a couple, I mean everyone except for 2 people (there were 2 cars of people with us). Then it was my turn. I was nervous but way too stubborn to chicken out. So I strapped on the harness that makes you feel more like a man than a woman, attached the rope with a little bit of difficulty, received a bit of instruction, tried to pump myself up as much as I could, and then started walking backwards towards the edge of the cliff. (Now I should mention that I have been rock climbing, but only indoors and it's only like 10 feet high. This was a 100 foot cliff out in the desert in St George). I couldn't let myself look down or I would never go, so I decided just going backwards would work out pretty well. I was wrong. Once I got somewhat vertical to the cliff I started freaking out because I didn't know what was under or behind me and let the rope slip a little... enough to make me nearly wet myself that is, and my legs gave out, so I found myself "sitting" on the side of the cliff. I almost had an anxiety attack and was shaking like a leaf (as if that's out of the ordinary...hahaha). Finally, after like 5 minutes and my friends trying to tell me what to do I was able to calm myself down, push back onto my feet and go the rest of the way down the cliff. Mind you, I had only gone like 3 feet at that point. Once I was at the bottom I probably spent like 20 minutes getting my feet back under me before I hiked back up to the top where the rest of my friends were. I'm not so sure I would say that it was fun. I'm pretty sure it's the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life. If I had another opportunity to repel off of a 100 foot cliff would I do it? Goood question.

After we repelled we headed for Sunny California. Our first stop was Tommy's Burgers. Don't ask me why they are called burgers, because everything there is covered in chili. I didn't try it cause I was pretty sure it would make the rest of the drive very smelly for my passengers. I'm just too nice to do that.

Our next stop was Irvine to stay with some friends of Carrie and Beth. The house was beautiful! Irvine is quite a beautiful little city, at least the part that I was in. It was very clean and nice. That night we went to Huntington Beach and walked around on the pier and took a few pictures. It was dark by then, so there wasn't much to do, but it was fun! I had never been on a pier before. It was a little odd to be out in the "middle" of the ocean. It was really pretty with all the lights shining on the ocean. Candace and I ran on the sand by the shore and discussed how the only things we were missing were two horses and a man for each of us. After our good times at the pier we went back to Irvine to catch some zzzzzz's.

Friday morning we got up and ate breakfast and headed back to Huntington Beach to spend a day on the sand. I caked myself with SPF 70, which turned out to be a success because I am exactly the same color as when I left; and I laid on the beach for many many hours. I boogie boarded a little. I only caught one wave, but it was fun. I swam around in the ocean. It felt really good! I got a little too much water up my nose. Can I just say that salt water is the most disgusting taste in the whole wide world? It tastes like you are eating fish buggars. Gross. LOL. I walked around on the pier and saw dolphins jumping in the water. I played sand volleyball and shared the gospel with some strangers that were Southern Baptists from Oklahoma, which was a great experience for me. They asked me questions and I answered them and they thought everything was really "cool". That night we ate at BJ's just off the Pier. YUMMY! I had a really good Calzone with pepperoni and italian sausage. That night we stayed at Cynthia's house in Duarte. It was a tiny house. I felt a little like we were imposing and so I couldn't really get comfortable, but her family was very nice and hospitable.

Saturday we went to Venice Beach. I have one word for you. Hippies!!!! It reminded me so much of the Saturday Market in Eugene. The beach wasn't nearly as nice as Huntington was, but I was so tired I didn't really care much. I spent the whole day laying on Betty the Beach Towel and soaking up rays. I did walk around the shops a little, but after encountering an argument where cops on horses came to break it up, I decided it was best to stick with Betty.

Sunday we went to church in Irvine. I loved the ward we went to! Everyone was excited to be there, friendly, and genuinely happy. The talks were wonderful in Sacrament meeting. Then we went to visit more of Carrie and Beth's friends. They are all super nice people. After we were done visiting we went back to Duarte and had a barbeque with Cynthia's family for her and her brother's birthdays. It was good food, but by that time the authentic Mexican food was beggining to be smelly. I was glad they had burgers and watermelon.

Then our trip was over and we spent Monday driving back to Provo. It was a fun trip. I'm really glad I went. The only mishap was that my phone got wet while we were at church. I accidentally left it on the coffee table and someone spilled water on it. Too bad no one thought to move it. So it's sitting in a bag of rice right now trying to revive. It was fun and worth it, but I am definitely glad to be back at home with my own space and my own bed.

Achoo! Gezundheit!

2009-05-19T18:59:00.002-06:00

I don't have to have surgery!!! YAY!!! I just have a nasty nasal spray!

CALI HERE I COME!

About Time

2009-05-15T18:28:00.003-06:00

I know it's been a century since I've written anything. I had to wait until I was in a non-negative mood, which hasn't been happening a lot lately with the anxiety and such, but I'm feeling alright today so I thought I'd give it a shot.

So I am super excited for next week because I am going to California with a bunch of my friends to be beach bums for 3 days!!! I have been shopping for things to go over my swimming suit and have been pretty darn successful. My suit is cute, but I have grown a bit since I bought it (if you catch my drift) and needed something to go over it. I bought a beach towel and new flip flops and so I think I'm all set. I am so excited!!! I've never actually been to the beach in California. I've only ever been to the Oregon Coast, which is BEAUTIFUL!, but it's definitely not a beach-beach. We are going to stay in St George Wednesday night and then go down on Thursday and stay until Monday.

The other day I totally realized that I have a camera that does video, so as soon as I get a good moment and someone to point and shoot, I will record my song and post it. I'm nervous to put it out there, but please be honest when it's there. I can always tweak it if I need to.

I bought the cutest summer dress yesterday. It's one of those really long ones that are popular right now. It's super pretty

I dyed my hair red and got a trim. I love it! I'll post pictures after Cali.

I am working my batootie off at work lately. Holy shpamolie! I am practically working in 3 different departments. My co-workers are always joking that I'll be able to run the entire company some day. I say no, but they might as well be right. I am getting cross-trained on payroll, helping accounting, doing my own full time job tracking salesmen numbers, etc (which is quite the chore some days), and doing literature and show display inventory. Few! This week has been really stressful because it was payroll week plus I have like 2 other projects on my plate. I felt like I was being stretched 5 different ways at once. I have survived, though, so I should be ok in the future. Thank goodness for job security, that's all I have to say.

I might have to get surgery on my sinus. I've had problems forever and this particular infection has lasted a month. I took a really strong anti-biotic for 2 weeks and I don't think it even touched it. Last year I was tested for allergies and the only thing that I reacted to was dust mites and trees, but it was only a tiny tiny bit. It wasn't even enough to do a shot or anything like that. It's been really frustrating. I'm going to a specialist on Tuesday. We'll see what he has to say. I hope it's helpful. The last one I went to wasn't helpful at all. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

My mom is coming at the end of June for the Elkington family reunion. I am excited to have her somewhat to myself for a few days.

I think that about does it for my news.

Ciao

It's FINISHED!

2009-04-08T21:33:00.001-06:00

I finally did it! I finally wrote a song! Now it all seems so silly that I didn't do it faster before. It was really quite simple. Now I just need to figure out a way to record it and post it. That's the task. Anywho... I'm kind of excited, and also feeling a tiny bit anti-climactic, but hey, I did it. So if any of you know a way I can record for little to no fee, let me know!

Making my dreams come true

2009-03-27T23:23:00.004-06:00

Ok, there's one more thing I almost forgot to write about. It's been a huge dream of mine to write my own song and I am almost half way there. I have almost completed my lyrics. The next step is to put a melody and chords with it. I have recently been learning the guitar. I got one for Christmas and I love it! I named her Roxanne and I think it's incredibly appropriate. Anyway, this is a huge step for me. I am putting my lyrics on my blog! Please tell me what you think. Bear in mind they still need a little tweaking, and I can't get my post to format the way a poem would be viewed. Hopefully you get the idea

Title:
Not Myself

Verse:
Struggling to be me again
Please let me feel again
Anything but pain
Anything but dark

Chorus:
They say time heals all wounds
What about the self inflicted?
Consumed by my flaws
What can make me right?

Verse:
I'm so tired of forcing smiles
I'm not fooling anyone
There's a cloud over my head
It rains on more than me

Chorus

Bridge:
Can I make me right?
Can I even start?
So many questions
So few answers

Verse:
Help me be myself again
Please help me feel again
Only the Joy
Only the Light

Treatment Update

2009-03-27T23:05:00.003-06:00

So I thought I'd write a quick update about how things are going with my depression treatment. I wasn't doing so good. I was having anxiety attacks and feeling super unstable. I came to the conclusion that my meds weren't working the way they should. So I went for a follow up appointment with my doctor and we decided to up my dose of Lexapro. We also talked about counseling and he referred me to someone in Provo. Unfortunately I can't remember the name, but I know where they are located, so I guess that's a start. It's just so expensive. I worry about being able to pay for it and also being able to save up money to start independent study and for my Italy trip. I know I need to do it. I know if I keep paying my tithing and try to put the Lord first that it will work out. The trouble is remembering that I know that when the time comes to actually act on it. My doctor also told me that I need to start getting used to the idea that this depression will be a life long struggle for me. This is my third round of treatment over the last 6 years. I hate popping pills. I know they help, and so I am willing to do it, and I'm really not ashamed, I just hate taking pills. I think what scares me more than anything is knowing this will be something I will deal with for the rest of my life. Not because I think I'm weak or because I don't understand what depression is. In fact, it's just the opposite. I know how it affects me and how my mind reacts to the symptoms. I worry about how it will affect my future family. I wonder if I will be able to be a good mother and fulfill the duties that are required with that sacred calling. Perhaps I'm still single because there's still things I need to learn about depression and coping/healing from it as much as I can in this life. I hope I will have the strength to take healthy steps to coping with my depression. I pray that people won't judge me anymore when I tell them about my struggles. I pray that I won't judge myself. I pray that the symptoms of depression will no longer have an effect on my relationships with people as it already seems to have effected a relationship beyond repair. I pray that relationship might be able to be repaired correctly and how it is supposed to be, if it is what the Lord wills. I will try to have the faith to act and the spirit to act correctly.

I wanna be a cowboy baby!

2009-03-24T09:29:00.004-06:00

I went down to St George this last weekend with a bunch of my friends. It was a blast and exactly what I needed. I got there friday night and we played rock band and then had a bonfire. I sat around and played my guitar, made a smore, and smelled like camp fire. Saturday we went horse back riding. I had only ridden a horse once in my life a few years ago, but let me tell you, I am not too shabby once I got the hang of it. When Sunny (the horse) started to gallop I didn't even fall off! I know, I know, I'm amazing. Please hold your applause. After we rode horses we hiked the red rocks. It was absolutely beautiful! We packed sandwiches and had a picknick on the rocks. There is this place a little ways up the trail where the snow run off pools and you can jump off a little ledge. Unfortunately I wasn't feeling adventurous enough to jump into frigid water, but a bunch of my friends did. I had never seen anyone move as fast as Dallas! It was hilarious! His head pops out of the water with his eyes as big as saucers and then he sprints, if that's even possible to do in water, to the edge and jumps out yelling about how cold it was. He didn't jump again. Hahaha. It was a riot. Such a fun weekend!

Flip My Lid

2009-03-11T21:01:00.002-06:00

So I decided I needed a way different hair cut. Here it is.

Thank you

2009-03-10T19:16:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to take a moment and tell all my readers thank you for your support, words of encouragement and advice. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends like you. I love each of you a ton!

A Sweet Escape

2009-03-07T20:22:00.003-07:00

So I decided to run away this weekend to Rexburg to see my sister and I'm pretty sure it's the best decision I've made in weeks. Even though I'm really not a fan of Iceberg, I love my sister and I love spending time with her. Mostly, though, I just needed to get out of Provo and all of the drama that fills my head there. It's not so much the drama that goes on, as what fills my head because of the constant anxiety centered around a certain recent event and all that it entails. It's been really nice to sit around without the fear of seeing a certain someone and having no clue how to act or what to say, if I should say anything at all. Things definitely fell apart in that department. I've realized a lot about my current mental state and what I can and can't handle. Perhaps this person was wise when they said they can't be my friend right now. It was something I was contemplating whether or not I could handle, and the events of two weeks ago proved that I cannot and forced the severed friendship. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I acted like a child and was wholy ashamed of myself, but thinking on it now leads me to believe that it was the only way to get myself in a better situation mentally. I found myself last weekend in the worst anxiety attack of my life (not that I've had that many) and spent my week trying to get a grip and recover from it. It was brought on by that childish action and the consequences that surrounded it. I was lucky to have my dear roommate and friend there to hold me as I shook and sobbed uncontrollably and inconsolably. I am grateful that I had read something in a book a few weeks before that helped me to calm down and get a handle on the attack. After the attack I slept for 2 hours, which is odd because I NEVER take naps. I don't think I had ever experienced anything so terrifying and miserable. I can't even describe it. I imagine it may have been comparable to what Alma the Younger felt when his "soul was racked with inexpressible horror". That might be an exaggeration, but that's what it felt like at the time. I didn't necessarily feel condemned to the pains of hell, but it's the closest to hell that I have ever experienced. As i tried to spend the week recovering I was having an incredibly difficult time relaxing and trying to not think about it ; so I decided I needed to escape to a place where I wouldn't have to be reminded of the events of the past month. Maybe it's not the healthiest solution, but it has proved to relieve the anxiety, even if it is only for a couple of days. It's been wonderful to be around my sister. She is such an amazing girl. She's so successful with her schooling and in her relationships. Even though she is my junior, I really do look up to her in many ways. She is a pillar of strength to me right now and an example of how life can and should be. I am grateful for a sister like her and that she is so close to me. Last night she played in a concert where they performed the most beautiful Requiem I've ever heard. I am so glad I made it in time. I left work early so I could make it and I sat down in the auditorium right as they began. Few! It was a close one! It was so beautiful. I found myself absolutely carried away by the music. I can't remember a time where music affected me that much. It was so soothing! I love music. It is a wonderful release for me and it was just what I needed. This truly has been a sweet escape.

Proceed with Caution

2009-02-25T17:34:00.003-07:00

There is always so much all trapped inside of me. I was hoping a blog would help me get it out, but most of the time when I think about writing I stop myself cause I don't want to bumb everyone out. Then I figured I might as well just get it out in whatever form I can. So if you don't want to read about a downer, stop now. I won't be offended, I promise.

I do want to say straight off that I know that I am watched over, extremely blessed, and inexpressibly grateful for this gospel and the atonement of Christ. I would be far worse off without those wonderful things in my life such as family, friends, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. Now that I've said that and it is universally understood that I have a testimony and rely on Christ as much as I can most of the time, it's on to those sad things that have been flooding my mind. No matter how much I talk about it, I never seem to feel better because I never reach any conclusions. Some may or may not know of my struggles with Depression and Anxiety. If you've ever lived with me you've seen the effects first hand ... Bless you! Depression is a chemical imbalance that happens in your brain and anxiety is often its companion. It's as real as cancer, or diabetes or the common cold. It's difficult to come to terms with that fact, especially if you only have a limited understanding of the sickness. I have been blessed to have a more mild form of Depression than other people. I've been listening to an audio book on a family where the mom had an incredibly severe case of clinical depression, her son also suffered from clinical depression. I have just gotten to the section where the dad is talking about how it all effected him. It's all about how they relied on the atonement to help them heal along with getting the proper medical help. I feel fortunate that my depression and anxiety doesn't keep me from functioning as it did the mother in the book, or that I have not become bitter and cynical like the son, but it still effects me in ways that are difficult for others to understand. I often feel judged because of the things that i have let my depression and anxiety stop me from doing, such as finishing school or even getting to the gym on a regular basis. I am fortunate to have a job that I love and that I still have a desire to get up and go every day, but beyond that and going to church every Sunday it is difficult to find the motivation. I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like I should be able to tell myself to snap out of it, that it's all in my head, but that's just it. It is in my head. Really, it's in my brain. Anti-depressants help to get your chemicals back in balance, and I am on them for the 3rd time in my life. I need to repair the way I think. I have negative thought patterns and I can't figure out how to fix it. That's where a counselor would come in, but I can't get myself to go see one. Sometimes I ask myself if I lack the faith. Sometimes I think if I could just put more trust in the Lord then I would be magically healed. And while that is part of the healing, I know that I must do all that I can before the Savior's atonement can heal me. The problem is, I can't find the motivation. I don't understand why. It's not like I enjoy feeling the way I do when I'm anxious and depressed. It's not like I want to continue feeling this way. I feel like I keep making excuses that I shouldn't but I can't seem to stop myself from making them. Some people might say that what I need is more will power, and maybe that's true, but I can't get it by myself. It's exactly like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to change and you want to feel better and you want your brain to be fixed, but at the same time all you want to do is curl up and pretend like it's not there. You want to work, but you want to be lazy. There is a constant battle between heart and mind. It's the closest to torture without actually being physically tortured. The adversary works so hard on you but you just don't feel strong enough to even call for help to fight him. The feelings of hopelessness are the most disabling of all. How do you feel hopeful again? How to you gain the motivation? How do you gain the humility to call on the Savior and the courage to hand EVERYTHING over to Him? If you have the answer to those questions, I welcome your suggestions. Whether or not I actually act is a completely different thing in and of itself.

If you read all of this, you should probably go do something that makes you happy now because I guarantee I just bumbed you out. Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

Everything turns out

2009-02-06T21:49:00.002-07:00

So, my last post was full of sadness, and this post isn't. It's great what Heavenly Father does for you when you follow His will. Even though my heart still hurts, and I'm not entirely sure what's next for me. I can see the positive. Patrick and I are going to try to be friends, and as of tonight it's going well. The only danger I am in is, getting confused. I have to hold on to the faith and confidence I have in my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I have to hold on to the spirit I have been blessed with from choosing the Father's will and let the Savior heal my heart. Anyway, I just wanted to write a bit of happiness that I feel right at this moment.

Can I crawl into a hole now?

2009-02-02T12:44:00.004-07:00

I don't have a lot of time for this post at the moment, but I figured it was best to keep it short. O gosh, I don't even know if it's a good idea to write about it on a blog that everyone can see, but maybe I'll only have to tell the story once. (Ya, right, when did that EVER happen?) All I can say is that life severely sucks right now. See, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for several years now and I am going through a pretty intense episode right now. There's a lot of bad days and a few good moments, so the fact that I just broke up with Patrick on Saturday in the most lame way ever is just icing on the poop-cake. Why would I break up with the one guy that I've cared about more than myself you ask? Well the only answer I have, as valid as it is, is because Heavenly Father asked me to. Try telling that to someone "Oh, so, just so you know, I've completely mis-judged why we are in each others lives, so this relationship can't go any further than good friends" after you've already been dating for 2 months. If that isn't the worst thing ever I don't know what is. Oh, but here's the kicker, I'm an idiot and did it over the phone, even though I didn't mean to. It just kind of popped out. So even though it's the right thing and I am doing the will of Heavenly Father, it hurts my heart really bad and I'm a jerk. Woopie. So I cried all through Saturday night into Sunday morning. My eyes are still swollen and puffy. Yay for being a girl, right? Nevertheless, I am watched over. I have been blessed already for doing the will of the Father. I hold on to that with all that I am, otherwise I would break completely. That's my sad story. Go ahead, feel sorry for me... but it's not me I'm hurting for. I'm hurting for Patrick. He doesn't need this kind of drama. He doesn't need another disappointment. I pray that he will be taken care of as I have been and that he won't hate me, and that maybe in a few weeks we can be friends.

Carry On

2009-01-11T22:04:00.003-07:00

It is amazing to me to watch the changes that happen in life. Some are good changes, some are sad changes, but mostly, they are good. There is so much to show us just how much our Father in Heaven loves us. I have loved seeing the change that comes over a person when the mantle of a calling has been placed upon them. Take Thomas S. Monson, for example. He had been an apostle all of my life. I can think back and remember times sitting in General Conference and wondering when the grown-up meeting was going to be over, but one person always stuck out to me. That was President Monson (among one or two others of the apostles). I have loved seeing the change that has come over him as the mantle of the Prophet of Christ's church has been placed upon him. Tonight was the CES fireside and I had the priviledge of attending in the Marriott Center on BYU campus where the fireside was broadcast from. I love standing as Prophets of the Lord walk into large halls and the electric spirit that walks in with them. It is inspiring. As President Monson began his address to us I could feel the spirit like a fire within me. I have had so many things to ponder on lately. I have been wondering about my education. I get so frustrated. I wish I was done with school. I wish I had the stamina. Sometimes I wonder if I just gave up on myself; if I just made excuses; or if I really can't do everything I want to do. I have been blessed with a strong desire to further my education, but for whatever reason I have been faced with a bigger challenge than I know what to do with. I have been commanded to further my education, but how am I supposed to do that when my mind breaks down every time I try? Anyway, President Monson talked about getting a formal education. He talked about those that drop out because they give up. I wonder if that's what happened to me, and I know I did give up this last time. I wonder why I am not strong enough and why I can't do what I have always wanted to do. I want that diploma that says BYU on it. I have wanted that ever since I can remember. There is no excuse good enough for dropping out twice when I got in on a miracle in the first place. How ungrateful of me. How did I let myself get so distracted? It bugs me because I know there was something I have neglected to do. I pray for the strength to move forward and "Carry on", "Firm as the Mountains around [me]" (Carry On, Hymn 255). There is a message of hope. My favorite quote from tonights fireside is this... "A second effort is often required in the race of life." In my case, it's a third effort; nevertheless, it is required of me. "Where doubt destroys, faith fulfills." So, I will ask for another miracle. May Heavenly Father grant me my miracle according to my faith.

2008-12-21T12:20:00.002-07:00

Here I go on another rant. I went Christmas shopping yesterday with my family. About 20 minutes into it I found myself under enormous pressure to find the perfect gift while not spending too much money. Where did this pressure come from? Well it certainly didn't come from my family. In fact, my mom often gets angry at me when I spend money on her because I am a poor non-college-student. (Oh the irony). It came from my own head. I love getting people gifts. I've always loved buying Christmas presents for my family. I love putting the thought into each gift, putting myself in my siblings mental shoes, and trying to think of what I would like to receive if I were Jeromy, Megan, Chad, Emma, Mom or Dad. The problem is, I did a lowsy job at that this year. I was so consumed with the "thing" part of the gift that I forgot the reason why there are presents at Christmas. This holiday has become incredibly materialistic. As I read the Ensign and talked with friends and family, a very strong theme kept popping up. That theme was always centered around the concept of making Christmas about Christ again. As I've thought about how one does that, I realized that it's all about what is in your heart as you celebrate this season of giving. Think about why we give gifts, and then it doesn't matter what the gift is. It doesn't matter the amount of money or the size of the gift, or even if you were naughty or nice. What matters is the thought that is given to Christ and the conviction those thoughts give you to turn to Him and His Atonement. He is the reason we are on this Earth. As you give gifts this year, I believe that the most important one you can give is your heart. Give your heart to Christ. Give your will to the Father. That is where joy comes from.

GOOORRRRIIILLLLA!

2008-12-15T17:22:00.004-07:00

So some of you may already know, but most of you do not know that I have caught myself a man. I have no idea how it happened. Honestly, I don't. His name is Patrick. He's from Georgia. He works full time at a group home for teen girls with major issues. I don't know how he manages to keep his sanity 6 days a week. Oh, and he just happens to love this job, which is so important and a little bit surprising considering he works with crazy people. I love the stories. He also goes to school full time studying biology and is pre-med. He wants to be a surgeon when he grows up, but it is likely that he will always be a kid at heart, which is great! He is also interested in Economics, which I find ironic for reasons that wouldn't make sense to anyone else but me. He is an avid reader, is a spectacular dancer and dresses to kill. Don't let his supa-cool persona fool you, though, there's a lot to him that not many people get to see, which I find intriguing. He's packed full of amazing qualities that I've just begun to crack into. He would never admit that he's worth anything much, though, and I hope that changes soon. I would love for him to see what I see so far. He is a super hard worker and probably the sweetest guy I've ever dated. We met in our BYU ward, which happened because his sister just happens to be the 2nd counselor's wife (I love her to death!) and so he started coming to church with her to help with her one year old son. It's kind of a funny story how we got together, even if it's only funny to me. There is this theory I have that if you touch a guy just above his elbow, you can get his attention 100% of the time. It's a great way to let him know you are interested. SO, apparently I pulled that move on him like 3 months ago and I have no recollection of it, but it totally worked whether I meant it to or not. I remember doing it like 4 weeks ago, but he says I did it before that. I'll take his word for it. So after I pulled "the elbow" he couldn't help but stare at me every week, but was too terrified, for some rediculous reason, to talk to me. He said there was one point he tried to say Hi and I didn't even notice. Ooops, my bad. Haha. I'm pretty sure that was the point in my life where I didn't notice much past my own nose. So anyhow, about a month ago I was just sitting in my room thinking about my pathetic dating and social life and wondering what I was going to do about it. I came to the conclusion that I would have to start talking to guys if I ever wanted to date one. So I got brave one Sunday and pulled "the elbow" (for the second time according to some people) and tried to start a conversation with Patrick. I also must admit I mildly stalked him on Facebook. The week before I got brave his status popped up on my feed, which was ridiculously hilarious. I wish I could remember what it was. Anyway, so I commented on it, etc. (OH! But I do have to give him some credit for the initial talking on facebook because he was the one that added me as a friend) and I thought I had laid some pretty good ground work, so it was ok for me to talk to him. About a week after that he pulled "the elbow" on me, which I thought was extremely obvious and it totally "gave me a thrill" as my dad would say. So eventually he asked for my phone number instead of getting it off of facebook, which I totally give him props for. First we just texted back and forth, which resulted in some totally random and incredibly entertaining conversation, not to mention me upping my text limit. (Is that pathetic?) Texting may seem totally lame and the worst way of communicating, but because of his work it's the only way we get to talk to each other more than twice a week or me staying up until ridiculous hours. So after getting my phone number, my roommates ended up inviting him over due to the efforts of his sister and him and I ended up talking for 6 hours. We talked about me, mostly, but that was because he kept asking me questions. I don't normally go on about myself for 6 hours... See, some poeple might say that's conceited, which I don't consider myself to be. After that I'm pretty sure he was hooked. Again, I have no idea why. I'm sort of messed up. So then it was my turn to drag info out of him, which is stated in partiality above. So he asked me on a date, but then got called in to work, so it was a good thing I had a work dinner that same week so we could still go out. So that's how it all started. We've been dating for about two weeks and it's been going pretty well. Saturday he took me on a hot date all day, which was great. First we went to the aquarium, which was hilarious! We drove up to find that it was about the size of my apartment and promptly decided to go elsewhere. He had about 3 things planned and all of it was a surprise. Our second stop was the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake. We had the entire zoo to ourselves! He couldn't have planned it better. ;) We both geeked out about the monkeys. We are complete and total geeks. It's pretty fantastic. I found myself contemplating the meaning of life while he came to an understanding with a Gorilla that could have torn him apart. Luckily the giant thing was behind glass and the zoo keeper's door was locked. It would have been tragic to watch my boyfriend be torn apart by Tino the white-backed Gorilla. After the zoo he took me to my favorite restaurant in Salt Lake, Cucina Tuscana. YUM!!! They have the best Italian food I've ever had! It was perfect. So that's my man.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2008-12-02T18:17:00.004-07:00

I'm pretty darn lucky. You wanna know why? I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has given me a wonderful family. They are the best examples to me ever. I want to be like my Mom when I grow up. I love and look up to everything she is. I want to be disciplined like my Dad. I want to have a sense of humor and wit like Megan and Chad. I want to raise good children like Jeromy and Shawna have been able to do. I want to have the faith of 9 year old Emma. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I walked in while she was kneeling and saying her nightly prayer. I'm pretty sure no one had to remind her to do that. Oh, to have the faith of a child. I think sometimes as we grow up, we forget how to have simple faith. I've found myself wondering why that is in the last few weeks, and how I can get it back. I think that's where a lot of Joy comes from.
There are so many other qualities of my family members that I would love to have. They are the greatest blessings in my life.
I am so lucky that I get to go home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year I didn't get to be home for either. I am very blessed.
I am also lucky because I have 5 fantastic roommates and other amazing friends that keep me from getting too serious. They remind me to have fun with life and to have Joy.
I am lucky to be a member of the only true church on the earth. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Being a member all my life has given me something that is priceless; a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ; the Holy Ghost as a constant companion; and knowledge of a Heavenly Father who has a plan just for me. I hope I can have a better relationship with him and a stronger understanding of His will for me.
Those are my thoughts for this happy season. I love Thanksgiving!

We are looked after

2008-11-18T17:23:00.002-07:00

I'm not really sure how to write about this, really, cause it's amazing! So I've been wanting to go to Italy since I was in High School, and I've never really seen it as a possibility until recently. When I went to dinner with my aunt we were talking about Italy and she said that she thought it was really something I should think more seriously about. Italy always felt like such a splurge and I never knew who I would go with and school always seemed like a higher priority to save for. But after talking to my aunt I started thinking more about it. So I got online to look at how much a passport costs, and it turns out to be a fair amount that I really can't afford and then I was right back to other priorities. I got a note yesterday from my Aunt with a bundle of cash. Along with that cash was a small cute little card that said my Grandpa Wright (who died 11 years ago) wanted me to have the money and I would know what to do with it. We are definitely watched over by those who love us on the other side. I can feel my Grandpa and Grandma Wright quite often and I know they have helped me in the past with other small things. I love having the knowledge that life doesn't end when we die. Our spirits live on and we have a purpose in all of eternity, whatever stage our spirits are in. We are truly watched over.

A Prayer

2008-11-05T21:08:00.003-07:00

I had dinner tonight with my Aunt Kathy. When I switched my email address I sent a mass to everyone in my address book and suddenly I had an email from Kathy inviting me to meet her for dinner. It was completely out of the blue, but of course I accepted because she is my dear aunt. We really hadn't ever had a conversation before. It was always "Hi, how are you", etc. but I am so grateful that she followed the prompting to invite me. I really needed her advice and to hear about her experiences. She is my Dad's sister and, since she has lived in states other than Oregon for all of my life, I never really got to know her. When I was growing up, I knew that my Dad's mom (Carolyn) had passed away when he was 21, which would have made Kathy .... well.... I'm not exactly sure how old, but I think she was quite young. My grandpa remarried 6 months later. It was very hard on my Dad and his siblings. Their new mom brought 4 children of her own into the family and they have been torn ever since. Some of my aunts and uncles have been more willing to accept than others. My Grandpa died 11 years ago, and some of my aunts and uncles took that opportunity to consider themselves separated from Granny (Danielle, Grandpa's 2nd wife). Anyway, that little bit of background information is to indicate the pain and sorrow that my Dad and his siblings have been trying to deal with most of their lives. My aunt Kathy has been coping for a very long time with her sorrow from losing her mom. But tonight she has shared with me the things she is learning on how to get that pain and sorrow to leave her heart and to let her true self free.

I have also been dealing with sorrow of my own. I'm not really sure where the sorrow is coming from, which is frustrating in and of itself, but I am profoundly grateful for the incites that my aunt Kathy shared with me tonight. I know that she was inspired to invite me to dinner so that I could know of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. He really does want me to be happy, or rather, to have Joy. He wants each of His children to experience Joy. I need to find my Joy. I don't know how, but I seem to have lost it. The Joyful me isn't much different from the one that people see every day. She's me, but with a smile that is "there" (that's the only word I can think of to explain) and eyes that are bright. She isn't far, but just far enough to where I can't really see her through the mists. I need to find my Joy. I need to find me.

I thank my Father in Heaven for a loving family and friends. I thank Him for loving me in my carnal state. I pray that he will help me to let my spirit free, to shine and break out of the mists that have it captured. I pray that I will have the courage to set my spirit free. I pray that he will send people to help me, and that I will let them help me. I pray that I will grow closer to my earthly parents and that they will have time for me. I pray that my Mom will listen when I need her and that I will be able to open up to my Dad and share the things that are in my heart. I know they love me and want to be involved in my life, so I pray that Heavenly Father will help them to be really involved. I pray that He will help me to let my parents be my parents. I pray that I will solve my problems with the guidance of Heavenly Father and that I will always recognize and act on inspiration from Him. I know my sorrow can and will be healed and turned into Joy.

My ssssssinusssssss

2008-11-04T22:00:00.003-07:00

This blog might possibly be whining, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. (sheepish laugh). So I have this awful "disease"(?) called Chronic Sinusitis. To put it simply, It's chronic sinus infections. Apparently there is no cure for it. Occasionally it feels like my face is going to pop off from the pressure. And then there's the delightful times where the crud decides to move into my chest and lungs. This is one of those times. I went to the doctor today and got another lovely dose of antibiotics that seem to do more discomfort than they're supposed to. I can't even count how many times I've taken the stupid things and the crud and infection just can't stay away for very long. Just leave me in peace already! Uggh! Anyway, I've had two cat scans and gone to a specialist who tested for allergies, because apparently that's what causes this most of the time. It turns out I am allergic to trees and dust mites, but not enough to do harm, but can't be avoided. So the question that I have often asked in the last 3 years is, why am I always sick? I have no idea what the answer is. There is an option for surgery, but there is really nothing to surgery, so that's a big fatty no. So in the mean time, doc, just keep pumping me full of antibiotics and pray that it does something for once. The miracle of medicine (note the sarcasm). Can you tell I'm fed up? I always have to watch myself so closely. It's hard to do anything active and out doors cause I usually regret it the next day because I'm all stuffed up and junk. I also can't stay up very late, which is a doosey on the social life of a 24 year old single female. But, there are trials that everyone must face, and this is one of mine. I am grateful that it's not anything worse. I am grateful that I am well enough to work and do what I can socially. Pardon the whining, that might happen quite often on here. I think it might be one of my only places to vent and I tend to be a little bit of a sap, if I'm being completely honest. Hopefully my next post will be full of happiness and joy. Until then ..... um..... ya..... I have no idea how to end this. K Bye

Ready Set Blog

2008-10-30T22:04:00.000-06:00

So I was browsing all my friend's blogs and decided that maybe I should join in.... So here it goes. We'll see if I keep it up.
For those of you that haven't heard from me in a while, this is my life.
I am living in Provo, Utah with 5 fabulous roommates. Yes, that's right. 5. It can get pretty crazy sometimes, but I kind of prefer it that way.
I spend my days working in Springville at Little Giant Solutions. They manufacture a wonderful product called the Little Giant Ladder. I am the administrative assistant to the Senior Vice President. It sounds a lot more important than it is. If you asked me what I do everyday, I would tell you that I do sales reports and a lot of data entry. I compile lots of lists of our dealers throughout the United States. Right now I am putting together a list of dealers that stock our products so it can be put onto the company's new website. I also do a lot of support stuff for the dealers. Occassionally I take customer service phone calls, which is definitely not my favorite. But if you subtract that part, I absolutely love my job. My boss is great and the people I work with are super fun. It is a great company full of fantastic people and products.
After working hard 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I come home and do whatever I feel like. It's a pretty sweet life. Sometimes I go to the gym, but lately I lack the motivation. I don't really like to work out, but I do it cause I bought the membership and it's good for my mental and physical health. Sometimes I read. Right now I am reading Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I haven't gotten very far into it yet, but I'm expecting great things. Haha... I crack myself up.
One of my huge addictions is MUSIC. I could honestly sit and just listen for hours. At one point that was all I did from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed. I realized that was unhealthy, so I started to read more. I am learning to play the Ukulele, and eventually the guitar. I love to sing and I can play the piano enough to get by. I love music!
I have a sad social life right now. I should probably change that, but lately people scare me. I have silly social anxieties that I would love to kick out of my mind, but alas, for some reason they only have gotten worse this year. I am working on it, though, and will hopefully get better soon.
Church is a big part of my life right now. I am the Family Home Evening co-chair. That means that I am the grandma of my ward. Haha. I like it. It's a fun calling. I just make sure that the moms and dads have FHE every week and I give them support and ideas when they need it.
In January I am planning on starting Independent Study with BYU doing the Bachelor of General Studies, with a focus on Psychology. It makes me nervous, but I am also anxious to continue my education. It's been quite the struggle to do so. That's why, one time, my uncle bought me a box of tissues for my issues for my birthday one year.
I love my family and I miss them almost everyday. I love my friends and I miss them also
(that is the ones that aren't here). I have been feeling very lonesome for them lately and I hope they are doing quite well.
Anyway, That is my life. Hopefully more interesting information will poplulate this page, but for now...this is what you get.